Journey out of Darkness

We hold our emotions in our bodies. For years I stuffed my emotions into food, drugs, or just ignored them altogether as I read, watched TV, surf the net or just slept. As long as I didn’t have to deal with what I was truly feeling I could get through the moment. Until I couldn’t. Then I would either explode in rage attacking anyone in sight for no reason or I would  attack myself. More than once those attacks became attempted murder as I tried to kill myself. The worst part was I wasn’t even aware I was doing it. I didn’t know why I was so angry. I didn’t even know I was angry.

One day my soul started to fight back. I started to hear voices. Some part of me that held on to a rational mind knew that the voices weren’t real. But the unconscious part of me that knew this awakening was coming wouldn’t let go. I began to see visions and strange things began to happen. At the time I thought I was under attack. There were dark energies in my home and I was seeing what I call shadow people. They were talking to me and they were talking about me. I’d had issues before but nothing like this! Terrified I lay on my couch for days talking to these invisible beings and not talking to the people around me. I didn’t sleep. I don’t remember eating. The people around me couldn’t understand what was happening. My partner would try to draw me out and tell me it wasn’t real. Eventually we fought and he left.

I had been treated for depression and other mental health issues before so eventually I decided I must be crazy and I headed for hospital. None of the medications worked. . That was five years ago. I made the most irrational decision of my life. I decided to trust the voices. I started to follow the guidance. Some of it was pretty basic. Take a shower, get dressed, wash your hands. None of this stuff was I doing on a regular basis. I was a mess. Other things were more cryptic. They told me there was arsenic in my sugar and in my bread, cocaine in my water and my cigarettes and they said that the porkchops would give me Hep C. The bag in the closet they said contained anthrax. Some days I was too frightened and confused to eat. This went on for months. Hopeless and desperate with no one who understood what I was going through and no help to be had I did the only thing I could do. I started to trust the voices.

I began to focus on what I could change and things started to change. It is a matter of perspective. Letting go of the need to control the outcome reveals an infinite number of possibilities that we never considered. For a while I stopped talking to people except when necessary and I carried on an ongoing conversation in my mind. The number of voices started to shift as I started to shift my focus. I realized the voices were using the stuff around me to guide me. I became quite frightened as they talked about the books on the table as if they had read them. Especially when I hadn’t. Then I started to notice that the people around me weren’t making a lot of sense either. I questioned whether I had heard them say what I thought I did.

Today I recognize that I lived for about a year in an alternate reality while maintaining a physical body here on earth. Having embraced the altered state, instead of medicating it, I learned a great deal about the energies that we are all experiencing today. I studied with the masters and they lead me to teachers here in the physical realm. Had I known what I was going to face through the next few years I’m not sure I would have made the choice to come off medication and go through the awakening process. Much of it was terrifying and several times I was completely suicidal and completely conscious at the same time. Any other time I had attempted suicide I was only conscious of the desire to die. In the midst of my awakening I was always aware that there was a part of me that could wrestle control and make another choice.

Those of you who are reading this are hearing for the first time some of what I actually experienced. Today I have a different perspective. I have finally won back my body. Having released the emotions that were trapped inside it and having battled the demons that were attached to every memory I stuffed or ignored I have gained a new understanding. The sugar and the bread were poisonous to me, the toxins in the water and the cigarettes were as lethal to my fragile body as cocaine. The bag in the closet  I have yet to solve that riddle but the porkchops were the beginning of my decision to give up meat which turned out to be the cause of my IBS that is now cured.  I have found a connection to something far greater than I ever dreamed possible.

Today I know the joy of embracing myself as a co-creator of my reality. I do believe we create our own reality, but we don’t do it alone. With the help of these Angelic guides I have called back the pieces of my scattered soul and I am grateful for the opportunity and the ability to share my journey with others. I hear the voice of angels and I lend mine to them. Having journeyed through the darkness, I am honoured to be a beacon of light for those who are making their way out.

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